This Worst Post In The Universe

This post showcases everything awesome that you can do to destroy your chances of getting social media votes, whether it be diggs, sphinns, zooms, or stumbles. If you’re like me, you want your site to be able to hide with little or no exposure to the outside world. The first thing you’re going to want to do to destroy your chances of getting votes is to tell everyone that you’re depressed in the title. Also use bad grammar in the title, as I did. This alone will turn away at least 50% of would be voters. Follow that up by letting them know within the post how terrible your life is. Oh acting like you don’t know anything also is very effective. Then you move on to the next step: write your entire post as one huge block of text as I have done here for you. This ensures that no one can scan it to find out what it’s about. This preys on the short attention span of social media users and is 98.9% effective at keeping them from voting for you. After that, you will want to make sure to not include any graphics whatsoever. A graphic would catch their attention so that’s the last thing you want to do if you’re looking to avoid votes. If you combine one huge block of text with no graphics, you have a great combination that can’t be cracked. You will certainly scare all voters away. You will scare all voters away. You will scare all voters away. That leads me to my next point which is make sure to repeat yourself and add as much extra wording as possible. Boring voters to death with repetitive wording is extremely effective at getting them to close the browser before they finish reading. After you finish writing your post, make sure to go back through it and add as much wording as possible. Do that and you will probably get negative votes which is obviously even better than not getting positive votes. Here’s something that is way better than not getting positive votes: getting negative votes. Oh I just thought of something to avoid in your quest to never get voted for. Make sure to never and I mean never ever use bullet points or sub-headings within your posts. Using bullet points would make the document easier to scan and you want to avoid this at all costs. Using subheadings also makes it easier to scan and you want to stay away from that at all costs. Both of these things make the document easier to scan and you want to avoid that at all costs. Now to take the terribleness to a whole new level you’re going to insert something completely off topic into your post which reminds me of how much it bothers me when people that work in fast food places won’t let me pay before they make the next person’s food. Subway is great at this. My sandwich is all ready to go but wait, the person making the sandwiches has to go back and make another person’s sandwich before they will let me pay for mine. That slows me down and doesn’t speed up the other person – quite effective. See how my subway story added to the terrible awesomeness of this message? It seriously takes your anti-vote-getting methods up 10 more levels. Throw is a story about how your dog keeps running away right in the middle of the post, it seems to work like a champ. Now to finish this off with pop you’re going to wnat to make shure that you don’t run a spell check and defnintely don’t proofread. Voters care about your grammatical correctness and not giving a rats will help you to discourage voting. Discourage voting and you will also discourage sites from linking to you and this will help you to be able to hide from everyone on the internet effectively. Now since I don’t believe in my own ability to pass on the information covered thus far in the lesson I need to go back to how crucial it is that you don’t use images in the post if you want to discourage votes. Now an entirely different arena that can really boost your performance in this area is ads. Lacing your post with at least 3 Google ads will help. Take this tactic to the next level by also installing Kontera and using a couple affiliate banners. Make sure to not disrupt the huge block of text effect becaues thats one of tthe more important parts of this strategy. Now if you’re going to make this work, you’re going to have to ensure that your post doesn’t provide anything of value. Talk about personal stuff that no one knows about and never ever give advice that will be useful for people. If you want to raise it up a notch you can try being totally unoriginal because that works like a champ. Steal a popular blogger’s layout/design because social voters hate this and will probably close the browser as soon as they discover that you’re a thief and unoriginal. Now I can’t stress the following point enough. Never make anything bold. Making stuff stand out will hold people’s attention and that’s obviously a huge no-no. You want them to stare for two seconds at your huge chunk of worthless text and close their browser immediately. Oh, never underline or use italics either because the smae princiaples apply. Don’t link out to anyone and don’t provide any additional resources. This proves that you’re selfish and that you think you know everything. Giving voters resources that will be helpful to them might encourage voting so I want you to avoid that like the black plague. Don’t provide any links to similar stuff you’ve written because that might make people stick around on your site. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever use a quote at the beginning of the post. Stay away from using prominent experts as references. Making your document appear to be valid will get you way to many positive votes and not enough negative ones. Begging people to vote socially for your post can also be a great voting deterrent. Tell them that unless they vote for you your traffic is zero. Make sure it’s clear that you’re not a winner because everyone loves a winner and if they think you’re a winner you won’t be able to hide in your corner of the internet. Make sure it’s clear that you’re not a winner because everyone loves a winner and if they think you’re a winner you won’t be able to hide in your corner of the internet. Repeat yourself unnecessarily. Repeat yourself unnecessarily. Now once you have about this much written up for your post, add a bunch of ridiculous garbage to make the post as long as possible. Maybe you could take an off-topic post from and article directory and add it in. Adding useless rhetoric may be the most powerful method of all. Hopefully this post has inspired you to literary disaster and social awkwardness, I know that it’s done the trick for me.

Comments 78

    1. It\’s very strange that you read it all.

      Actually not. The title of the post said it all by using an incorrect grammar. It brought up the attention, and as the level of attention goes up the more likely the reader will try to read everything.

      Luckily, I read his \”The worst post in the Universe\” so I don\’t need to read this one, otherwise I may faint.

      You guys can check my blog out. The first few posts I made a similar mistakes (but at least I used paragraph and spacing). The latter posts I format better with all elements that help readability.

      If you are slow in checking it out I may have reformatted them. Everyday I go back to revise some posts.

      Cheers,
      Binh

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  2. I can’t stop laughing! 🙂 I tried so hard to read every word, but the sentences became a blur 3/4 of the way down. This is not only hysterical but so true!

    Please don’t make me go back and try to read it again, please?! 🙂

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        1. I can’t believe I finished the whole thing.

          You should set this up like some restaurants do. If you can finish reading the whole post, you win a prize.

          I was a little disappointed not to see one of those annoying talking smiley ads though, man I hate those.

  4. Court, this is absolutely fantastic. 🙂

    By far one of the most well thought out articles I’ve read for quite some time, and put together wonderfully. I NEVER would have thought of doing something like this to get a point across. You’re simply brilliant.

    Bravo, Court. Bravo. 🙂

    *gives the end-of-the-most-important-scene-of-the-movie-slow-clap*

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  6. Wow … this was the hardest post I’ve read in a long time.

    You’re right on the money, though. When I visit blogs that follow the methods you’ve outlined, I tend to hit the “back” button pretty quick.

    Me thinks the blogosphere will now be hit with a multitude of “Worst in the Universe” articles… 😛

  7. I read through the first 2 sentence and my eyes went crazy so i stopped and left.I realised then i should come back for more and i came back.

    Read the first 2 lines, left and came back. As i read over and over the 2 sentence.

    I thought that was what i need to know about the whole entire post.

  8. Hi Court

    You proved your own theory of “this post showcases everything awesome that you can do to destroy your chances of getting social media votes…” wrong by getting zoomed real good!

    Honestly, I didn’t finish reading the post. I don’t need to, your point was firmly brought across.

    Nicely done!

  9. Dang it, Court. I’m sure it’s a great post, but I couldn’t make it past the first third. My eyes started hurting. 😆

    Maybe your next post can be the perfect post, or maybe you can take this same post here and lay it out in the perfect way. At least then I’ll be able to read it. 😀

  10. Court,

    Nice writeup and thanks for the headache! Just kidding about the headache.

    I agree completely with you, any chance of getting this written the correct way to help show the difference?

    O yea, I gots a huked on foniks if ya wanna borow it.

  11. Wow! That was brutal!

    I couldn’t even read the entire article without selecting blocks of text with the mouse. Even then it was tough keeping up with the repetition. 🙂

    I’ve noticed this happening unintentionally when people insert Adsense blocks into a post. Often, the text doesn’t wrap properly and the line breaks disappear, causing the first few paragraphs to run together.

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  14. When I first saw this – I was like what the heck – this is awful. Then I reread the title “the worst post in the universe” and you are correct it is the worst. Unless of course you started advertising pharmacy sites in the middle of it… then it might be worse…

  15. This was actually a good post because it got your point across.

    I actually like stream of consciousness blogging… probably an offshoot from my fascination with James Joyce, whose Ulysses had 43 pages of text with no paragraph breaks or punctuation. 🙂

  16. Excellent way to make your point. I got through the first three lines but it’s too hard to read. Maybe you can make a “Best Post In The Universe” to compare it to.

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  19. Wow, that is very difficult to read. Made my eyes hurt. I am probably even guilty of doing that especially when I first started out.

    Beautifully illustrative of all the things we should not do. A great way to convey a lesson to all concerned.

    Now I need to go rest my eyes for awhile.

    Nick

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  21. Wow, your post looks exactly like I feel in this moment, when I’ve just seen that Google decided to award my blog a glorious PR 0. At least now I know that I can sell as many links as I want 🙂

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  23. ah! my eyes hurt. i couldn’t even finish this. the first half was good and funny though.

    now if you could only post an alternate version that is easy to read = ) please…

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