This one is for all of you that gave up after two sentences while reading ‘This Worst Post In The Universe‘. This post still showcases everything awesome that you can do to destroy your chances of getting social media votes and in-bound links, but goes against its own principles of blogging for isolation and self-destructive writing of copy by using an easier-to-read format.
Hiding On The Internet Begins With A Terrible Title
Remaining invisible online can take a lot of work. To get this party started the right way you have to make sure that your title is terrible. I went with ‘This Worst Post In The Universe’ originally because it isn’t grammatically correct. Somehow that title still got way too much attention, and I’ve realized since that the title should have been ‘I’m Really Bored’ or ‘My Dog Needs A Bath’. To maximize the effect I could have used ‘My Dog Needs A Bath’ as the title and then written about how bored I was.
Writing Like You’re Defeated
The second principle of online self-implosion is never portray confidence in your writing. Everyone loves a winner so you must act as loserish (definitely not a word) as possible. To maximize your results you have to repeat these five phrases to yourself while writing:
- You are depressed.
- You know nothing about the subject material.
- You are insecure about your opinions.
- There are 3,938 other bloggers out there that know more than you about this.
- No one is going to read this post anyway.
Repeating these statements to yourself will convince your mind that they’re true, and this will increase your ability to produce ridiculously bad posts by at least 894%. Most elite level suck-posters have those five sentences framed on their walls and chant them as they’re going to sleep at night.
Never Format Your Text
Write your entire post as one huge block of text as I did in ‘This Best Post In The Universe (Pure Version)‘. This ensures that no one can scan it to find out what itâ€™s about and preys on the short attention span of social media users. This method is scientifically proven to be 98.9% effective at keeping them from voting for you. Ok I know that the pure version back-fired, but I can promise you that if falls within the 1.1% of posts that get any attention without solid formatting. Here is what I would stay away from to ensure maximum, terrible awesomeness:
- Graphics and Images
- Bullet Points
- Bold, Underlined, and Italicized Text
- Sub Headings
- Multiple Sentences (only possible by the truly gifted)
Fill It Up With Fat
Make sure to use as much extra wording as possible. Social voters and potential linkers hate reading the same stuff 10+ times in one post. For best results, fill the post up with information that’s off-topic. Possible ideas for off-topic rants:
- Your kids are always interrupting you.
- Your computer keeps freezing up.
- You just took a break from writing to make dinner.
- Copy a random free article and paste it in. Resume self-loathing.
Use Bad Spelling, Use It Soon, Use It Often
I would highly recommend using improper spelling in the title of your post. If that’s not possible, make sure to use it near the top of the post. Follow up by misspelling at least one word in every sentence incorrectly.
Lace The Post With Ads
I’m going to recommend at least two huge Google ads at the top of your post. This will be more effective at getting clicks from people that never find your site and will discourage social voting and linking. Pushing the content below the fold is the way to the highest invisibility.
Never Link Out Or Provide References
Linking out to other blogs and sites will bring site owners to your site. Avoid this at all costs. Providing references to back up your statements will add credibility and goes against all principles of this strategy.
Beg People To Vote Socially
To make best use of this method, you will need to ask people to vote for, digg, stumble, sphinn, or zoom your content at least 13 times in each post. This will get you a few positive votes from beginners, but the negative votes from the more experienced voters will more than make up for it.
A desired side effect of this method is that it also conveniently discourages people from linking to your site, because it tricks them into thinking that you wrote the post only as bait.
This post is easier to read but a lot less effective at warding off would be visitors than ‘This Worst Post In The Universe‘.
Update: Check out the worst comment for this post, it’s freaking great!